My eyes have not been fixed on Jesus. Do you ever think that you’ve been seeking out Christ to only realize that your eyes have been fixed elsewhere? That realization has hit me this summer. I may feel like i’m striving to live and be more christlike when really my gaze is anywhere but. What am I truly focused on? The future, trying to control my life, what other people think about me, goals, all of the trivial earthly things. Is any of that kingdom minded? Nope.
Control is one of, if not the biggest issue that I deal with. I truthfully had no idea how much of an issue it was until this past year. Why do I believe that my plans are greater than the Lord’s? He created the heavens, earth, the stars in all the sky, and each beautiful and precious thing I know… and somehow, for some reason I believe that he doesn’t have something amazing planned for my future? Way more spectacular and grand than I could ever imagine. It’s foolish, truly.
Another issue? I’ve fixed my eyes on a place, not on Him, the only one who could truly ever satisfy me. Places, and people, and expectations, will all fall short. It’s human nature, and I know these words have been said over and over again. But I think the reason we keep hearing that only Jesus will fulfill our desires and sustain us in this crazy messy life, is because it’s true.
Story time? I used to hate the idea of Jesus. Literally could not wrap my mind around him or his goodness. It was all way too good to be true, it seemed like a fallacy you believed in without enough education to understand logic and science (…yup the ignorance). But then I had a period in my life where nothing could sustain me. Nothing could keep me going through the hard, turbulent, shame-filled, moments that we experience as humans. I literally sat on my bathroom floor (and if you know college bathroom floors, they are gross) with everything in me crushed, looking up to the ceiling, as if somehow I would be able to see Jesus, and proclaimed I couldn’t do life on my own anymore. No matter how skeptical I was I was going all in. I literally cried out, “Okay Jesus, let’s try it your way because my way seriously isn’t working!” And you know what that time in my life looked like?
Dependance. I truly gave it all to God in that season of life. I messed up like crazy, but then I repented and gave myself the grace that we have because of our sinless savior. My whole being was set and focused on knowing God and understanding his truths. I wrestled with issues and brought them to the foot of the cross. I didn’t sit there and constantly try to control it, but instead embraced the loving arms of the one who saved me. Sounds dramatic…because it kind of is. Some people grow up knowing the Lord, and others like me need to be radically shown the goodness and mercy of Christ to truly wrap our minds around who he is.
But do we need to be in a valley to be dependent on Jesus? I don’t think so. I don’t know why but for some reason I forget to depend on God when things are going amazing and he is giving me the desires of my heart. Why aren’t I as dependent, as prayerful, and grateful and thankful, in constant rejoicing to him for the mountain tops as well?
Because my eye’s haven’t been fixed on him.
With my whole heart, with my whole life, and with my innermost being, I bow in wonder and love before you, the holy God! Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of kindness you’ve done for me? You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of all i’ve done. You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease. You’ve rescued me from hell and saved my life. You’ve crowned me with love and mercy. You satisfy my every desire with good things. You’ve supercharged my life so that I soar again like a flying eagle in the sky!” Psalm 103:1-5 tpt
I desire that faith. But desiring is not the same as doing. I can desire to have a faith and love for Christ that strong, but without action that won’t happen. Every day I need to make the choice to actively pursue Jesus. To seek out his truths, to read his word, to thank him for anything and everything, to bring my issues and hangups to him. That doesn’t mean I can’t be human, something I thought about christians. Loving and praising the Lord doesn’t mean your not allowed to have moments of frustration, pettiness, anger, bitterness, hurt, confusion, sadness, boredom, or mistakes. It simply means that every day you continue to make the choice to pursue him. It means those moments are fleeting as you realize the great blessings you have and realign your heart. It means those moments don’t turn into days that overshadow the beauty of this weird little life we all live.
So today i’m reminded. Reminded to choose to set my sights solely on him, knowing that my eyes will wander, and gracefully realigning my gaze. I want an all encompassing love for the Lord that leads to a life worshipping his faithfulness even when I can’t see it or don’t understand it. Today I fixed my eyes on him, the only one who will ever complete me.