Life is so unpredictable and averse to planning. There has been so much these past few months that has been unplanned. So much that I could never have accounted for and so much coming up that is out of my control. Things that will require decisions and wise counsel. Things that if i’m being honest are already decided should they come to fruition. That sounds cryptic and coded but honestly it’s not. Life is at a crossroads. The intersection between the purgatory of college and the daunting world of adulthood. That place where you make the first decisions of what path your life is going to walk down. Right or left, neither path wrong, both just so different.
I feel very introspective and contemplative during this period in life. There is a song by Sleeping At Last that says “show me who I am and who I could be” and that is exactly how I feel about life right now. The prayer I fervently pray to the Lord. Jesus who am I? What story are you writing in my life? Why Lord would you give me this great gift, this biggest unexpected blessing only for me to be presented with my dream-a dream so completely incompatible with this blessing I never expected? Lord who will I be if I walk this road, this road I believe you’ve called me down?
Recently today it came to my attention that the Lord has been answering. He’s given me wise, life affirming friends who remind me of his gracious truth. Friends who point me back to Jesus and back to surrender. I need to surrender these questions at the feet of Jesus. It sounds so easy but I have a death grip on the future. An incompatibility with surrender.
Most time’s I want to make these blog posts nice and coherent and shiny. But other time’s, time’s like this, I want to simply process life. To document reality and reflect on the Lord. To ask the question “Jesus what’re you doing here and through this?” To process the temporal life we’ve been given in words.
Tomorrow is a potentially big day. A day when questions will be answered and i’ll be able to see if what i’m picturing the Lord weaving together is actually happening or if he’s shaping my life to go a different direction. There are so many unknowns, but I’ve been so reaffirmed by friends that the Lord is up to something, even though that something looks a lot like tough decisions, honestly being caught between a rock and a hard place and choosing to follow God down that hard path.