Last summer when I was in Uganda I was a part of a wonderful bible study. One month we studied Priscilla Shier’s “Armor of God”, which talked a lot about spiritual warfare. I remember while doing the study I didn’t feel as though i’d had much spiritual warfare… sure i’d had hard times, but spiritual warfare? Not really…
These last few months though, spiritual warfare has been my constant. Hard times, some small and irrelevant by the next day, and some big, lasting weeks, weeks that bleed into months. I’ve felt the enemy so clearly. I’ve felt him attack my spirit, emotions, determination, and my faith. He’s made me question the calling that God has so clearly placed on my life, and he’s made doubt creep in. It’s an awful feeling, knowing so clearly, almost supernaturally what you’re supposed to be doing, and then suddenly doubting your ability and strength the handle the hardship.
I’m not naive in this way, sure I have a lot of naivety, but I understand that life is hard and that my new internship in Northern Uganda will be hard. I understand that i’m going to feel isolated and misunderstood. That i’m going to feel inadequate and unable. That i’m going to be missing friends and family. That relationships will be sacrificed by one party or another because i’ve chosen to leave. This choice to follow God, it comes with consequences. It comes with tradeoffs. I understand that, but what I didn’t understand was how that creates the opening for the enemy. For him to attack what you know, for him to chip away at your spirit and excitement until you are left questioning everything you once thought you knew.
I’m currently in a season of changes. I graduated college, my roommates moved out, i’ll move out of my college house and city i’ve lived in for five years, a relationship I loved and valued ended, and i’m moving to Northern Uganda knowing no one and never having been to the town I will live in. I hate change, but change has revealed to me the truth that God is all we need. Does it always feel like that? Absolutely not. In this time I am clinging to a verse in Isaiah,
” Look, I am about to do something new;
even now it is coming. Do you not see it?
Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 CSB
Right now I can’t see what he’s making. All I see is upcoming trials and grief and heartbreak, but what scripture tells me in that he is equipping me for these challenges, he is making a way where there is none.I just need to be faithful enough to believe what I cannot yet see.
What is worth giving up for your calling from God? To me? Everything. But that doesn’t make the everything easy. It doesn’t make the decision painless and it doesn’t make the future feel safe. In following Jesus you learn to lose happiness for holiness, and believe that when this earthly life is over, the blessings of heaven will be worth it and that he is who he says he is.
For updates on life here in transitions and come September life in Northern Uganda you can follow along this blog as well as my socials.