Life lately, has been pretty bad, for lack of sugarcoating. It’s one of those time’s where you don’t know why life is the way it is, where you question what the hell God is doing or if he’s even doing anything anymore, and where you’re just actually over everything. Life hasn’t been very happy and shiny and I’m learning that while I may not get to choose what’s happening, or what other people think or assume, I can change the way I react to what is going on around me… and I haven’t reacted well. I’m learning so much lately, most of it being things I wish I had done differently, or ways I had reacted to the difficult with more grace.
Going into moving I thought I had “prepared” for all the different hardships. I knew there would be tough and difficult parts, but what I failed to do was realize there is so much that preparedness can’t reach. I wasn’t ready for how emotionally unstable I would become, how fragile my joy would be, how hard it would be leaving the people that get and know me, and just how much I need people to get and know me. I have so much growing to do, and so many growing pains to experience.
This last year has been the second hardest of my life (my very short life, but nonetheless). There is something about growing up and being in your early twenties that is just inherently hard. You think you’re so much further along than you actually are, and realizing that is a hard blow. I also understand that I have experienced few real hardships, especially living in a place where I can look around and see what true challenges look like.
Something I honestly didn’t know about my self was my deep need to be understood, and how difficult being misunderstood is. Leaving my people, the ones that just get me, has been the hardest part of these last few months. I have the most amazing friends, who have supported me through endless texts, calls, and facetimes. They have been annoyed with and for me, called me out when i’m stuck feeling sorry for myself, been happy for me when a day is going good, and missed me while still encouraging me from thousands of miles away. They are the quality friends that you hold onto. They know when I say something that might sounds crazy how I mean it without me even having to explain, and that aspect of being known, is something that I miss so much.
The other day I was struggling after a particularly crushing day at work when a giant storm rolled through. I don’t know why but all I wanted to do was sit in the rain, think, process, and be still. And that is exactly what I did. It might’ve looked a little crazy, sitting there letting the harsh rain wash over me, eye’s closed, soaking wet. But much like life, sometimes you just have to sit in the storm.
Life isn’t always going to be happy and shiny and all we envisioned. And that is hard, but we can control how we deal with the disappointment of reality not playing out how we thought. It’s not easy, and I fail at it on a daily basis, but I’m trying and I think that’s all we can ask of ourselves. Grace is hard and messy. Life can be dark and twisty. But there is so much beauty in the storm.
Below are two playlists for when life gets hard. For when you want to sit in those feelings and just be. For when you need to remember that even though you’re done God isn’t.